Sunday, March 9, 2008

Where to Begin????

It seems like I am writing an apology blog every month. Sometimes I just get behind. There are a variety of reasons, but they are usually pretty basic.... Lack of fun pictures to post, events to document, laziness, super busyness.....

I have struggled with posting this, but what they hey...

I haven't blogged due to life crapiness. I figured that the crapiness (I have no idea how to spell that word since I made it up) would clear soon and that I would come out of the slump and once again have positive things to report without missing a beat, and no one would be the wiser.

I finally wised up myself a bit and realized that as vulnerable as I may feel, I am going to go ahead and let a bit of it out on my blog. After all, if you are reading this you are hopefully a friend and/or well wisher, and, well, I just can't hold everything together on my own all the time. Sometimes you need your friends.

That being said, I am not seeking sympathy, and no one is required to comment or reply. If you want to though, that's great. But I do realize that everyone is dealing with their own problems.. I have had worse, and so has everyone else. I just feel like if I don't come clean with it, the moving past it is going to be really slow.

BTW- if you can't already tell, this post may be long.

So here it is already- we are going through a tough time. The most important things are fine. Isaac is happy and healthy, we are healthy, etc. Financially, we are pretty much wrecked. The American economy, the collapsed mortgage market, combined with some not perfect business decisions have caused Bryce's business to suffer a slow death. I am very proud of him. He really did the best he could, and tried everything you can imagine to keep things going, but it just didn't work out. This has taken a huge toll on our family and my sanity lately. We worked hard through a lot of tougher times to get to where we were and to allow me to be a full time mommy. Over the past couple of months we have both been looking for jobs.

I have had varying degrees of success with this. My heart just hasn't been in it. I don't have any idea how we can make it without me returning to work, so I don't know if I am in denial or what my problem is but I just can't imagine not being with my little boy. I know that most moms work, and I respect and admire that. I worked all of my daughter's life and I think this is part of what drives me so hard to not want to do it again. It was so difficult... and your time with your kids is so precious...

Don't get me wrong here. It is not that I don't want to work. I actually would LOVE to work! I get so excited when I think about some of the projects I have discussed with potential employers. And, having done both, I must say that work is much easier than being home with a baby. But, the little things that Isaac does everyday, the relationship we have, and knowing how much he needs me, makes every minute with him worth it. I want to be the one cleaning the vanilla wafers out of his hair, chasing him to the dog bowls, and singing stupid "Mickey's Clubhouse" songs all day. Crazy huh? Am I selfish? Or does he need me too?

So I have now essentially turned down two job offers. Let me explain.

The first was a part time position with very low pay. These two things didn't bother me so much. The trouble was that the owner was very attracted to the possibility that my knowledge and experience could grow his business. Fair enough, but as he started brainstorming more and more things I could do for him, I realized that there was no way I could accomplish all of it part time. I felt that kind of set me up for failure in the position. As far as doing it full time... well, you know how you will accept certain take aways and lower pay for the freedom and low commitment/expectation level of PT work but not FT? There you have it...

The second position was/is perfect! It is for a very large company located in downtown Provo. It is the ideal next step in my career path. I would be a generalist responsible for one of their divisions plus in charge of global compensation. I had a couple of interviews over two days and lunch with the HR team there and I loved them. Then I cried the whole way home. If you take Isaac out of the equation, everything about this is a great fit. The reality is that I can't worry about my career path anymore when my real goal and "5 year plan" involves cheering at TBall games. The job would also involve a lot of foreign travel which is really impossible when you have kids at home, and the other team members there have all been with the company at least 10 years. They are really looking for long term commitment. Even though the reality may be that I can not stay home with Isaac anytime soon, I just couldn't come to terms with that and give up on my dream. They did sense my hesitation on this point, and the next day the VP of HR called and asked what my commitment level would be. I felt I had to be honest with them, and I told him that I truly wanted to be able to stay home with my children, but had no idea when that would be possible for our family. He said he understood and that they would make a decision that day. I never heard back, and I understand completely why. They are a great group.

I feel very guilty about this. Have I just shot our family in the foot? Am I being selfish. Should I have committed some period of years to the second company? I can't be dishonest, so if I did this, I would have to follow through with it and put my plans and dreams on hold. But maybe my plans and dreams are silly and that is what you have to sacrifice for your family.

I am holding out hope on one last possibility, and it is a distant possibility right now. I had a call from another position I applied to and this one would be REALLY PERFECT. I would not hesitate on it for a second. It is PT with a non-profit that offers HR support to employers in Utah. If you live here and are in HR, you probably already know what I am talking about but oh well, I tried to be discreet. Anyway, it pays great and would really just give me the best of all worlds. Like I said, it is a total long shot right now as the position doesn't close until the end of next week and I have no interview scheduled. All they really did was call screen me to ask a bit about my experience and see if I was still interested. I practically reached through the phone and kissed this lady's feet. So I might have creeped them out with my crazy enthusiasm about the position.

Oh well, that was all very cathartic for me. If you are still reading this, congratulations, and thanks for your friendship. Please keep us in your prayers because I need all the help I can get with everything right now. Oh, and just to keep this posting from totally bumming everyone out, here are some great pics of my boys.


Ryan & Tiffany said...

Erin, I'm sorry to hear about your trials you are going through. It's understandably a tough decision. I am fighting similar decisions/guilt about not working when the baby comes and understand the conflict. I'm sure it's even a lot harder when you have been at home with him for a while too. I am sure though if you ask for guidance and follow your feelings, you'll be just fine.

Isaac is adorable, I think he looks so much like you. I am sure everything will turn out fine for your family. You'll be in our prayers.

Nancy Brown said...

I went back to work this last year but took a huge pay cut and it was just for my sanity. I can understand your hesitation and I will support you NO MATTER WHAT!!!!

that said.. Ty and his NICU fun stuff has made it so that we were a financial mess for a long time. We are still in debt but are working our way out. If you need anything or think we havea anything to offer for Bryce please emial me...

I miss you!!! I will let you konw when we come to visit k

Paul & Misti said...

Erin you are amazing! I truly admire you for your honestly with the "large Provo corporation" :)...that takes a lot of faith and courage and I truly think you did the right thing. You are in our prayers and don't forget...once I don't feel like a flabby cow...I am coming over to hang out!

Brandy said...

I am sorry you are so stressed out. It does get better, at least that is what I keep telling myself too. I was talking to Elaine this week about all of our struggles and I realized that it is just a temporary state. Like you said, things have been worse so we should count our blessings that things aren't. I found out the Elaine worked almost all of the years her kids were growing up. Lots of mommies do it and their kids turn out great! (bryce, doug, andi, and jennie). I know it is going to be a tough decision, but at least you can rely on your Heavenly Father to help you out. The positive thing about the fact that we both might have to go back to work is that at least our children are young. It would be much harder if they were older and had a better understanding of what was going on! Anyway, I will see you next week! Miss you tons!

Dan & Ashley said...

Hey Erin,

So so sorry to hear about the tough times you are going through. Trials are never fun as you already know. What hard decisions. I know you will make the right one. There have been a couple times in our marriage--when we moved to San Fran and then when I stopped working-- that we honestly didn't know how on earth our finances were going to work out on just didn't add up. But knowing I wanted to be with Cal all the time and be his full-time mom motivated me and we kept praying about it over and over. Honestly I still don't know how it has all worked out but somehow it always has and the Lord has taken care of us. I know he will take care of you too no matter what you decide! Isaac is so lucky to have you!

Good luck and keep the faith! Everything will work out in the end! You guys are great! We're thinking of you!